Pain
restrain
must refrain
this descruction in my brain
hitting and smashing everything in sight
oh truly, what a delight!
everything in bits, just like my life
chaos and terror
wastefull efforts
This is not reality
This is not what I want
What I want is out of reach, what I need, to me isn't clear
So instead I do nothing, maybe out of fear.
I pass the time with ideas in my mind, yet unaware of what they are.
I fill my time with things that distract my mind, but destroy it just the same.
Thinking might not be good,
but use my head I should.
Nothing comes from standing still, but moving anywhere, let alone forward seems impossible.
All I can think of are the thing that are wrong.
The things that could go wrong
should go wrong
have gone wrong
I do, did, and probably still will make go wrong some more.
All the faults, the mistakes I've made.
All the things still left undone, knowing all of it is wrong.
Not knowing where to start, I just leave things be, leaving me with my same old missery.

I don't know what to do, don't know what to say.
My head is full, just like every day.
I don't want to think so I keep myself busy with useless things.
The more I do useless things the less I can think of what's important.
But what's important? I don't even know. I don't know if I want to know.
I want to have a life, but what should be in it?
What is it that will make me happy? Is there any way I can be happy?
Or does my whole life consist of keeping myself busy?
Might as well end it now then...
But I can't do that either. Don't WANT to do that either.
It's not fair, not fair to leave my crap behind for others to solve.
Not fair to leave those that do value me behind.
Not fair to myself even, because I'll never know what it is I was looking for.
What if there's never going to be an answer? Might as well redirect that to death itself.
Is that really just the end? What the fudge was it all for in the first place then?
It's not like I'm contributing to society in any sort of way.
I'm probably more of a pest then of any use to society.
But then what is this thing called society? Maybe this society deserves me?
Even if, or just because I'm of no use to this society, maybe that's just what it needed.
Am I needed?
I need......
To be needed?

I was angry and destructive inside my head, but I'm also sad and depressed.
I really do want to smash things, but I don't because well... Duh! THose are MY things!
Even if half of it is crap, it's still my irreplacable crap.
I can't buy anything new, or even used for that matter.
Even if I keep on eating just bread for even a longer time, that is no way to save money,
especially if you're going to have to use it to replace the things you destroyed yourself.
I want to sit alone in a corner and sob, but I don't want to cry.
I want to go to bed and sleep, but I'll just toss and turn and remain awake for hours like usual.
I want to hold, embrace my friend, I want that friend to be my girlfriend, but there's no such thing.
I want a girlfriend and yet I don't. I don't want to be a bother to anyone let alone the people I love.
I shouldn't be a bother and yet, look at me writing my feelings away again here.
Could anyone be bothered reading this then?
Yes, no, maybe so. I don't know.
I'd like a reply, but what should it say?
Is there anything to say to all this anyway?
I'll just finish this and spend the rest of the evening and night to figure out what to do.
How to fill my time without using my mind.
I need to kill my feelings some more again, because I don't want to be like this.
Feeling numb is not the best, but it's better than this.

Goodbye for now.